Drifter

In college, I always had the urge to just drop everything and hop on a bus in the middle of the night, and stay on, hopping from bus to bus until I decide to stop. I never did because I had too many responsibilities, tests, and exams, but when I was in Europe I finally got to fulfill my little fantasy.

I was tired of traveling with other students in my study abroad program so I chose a random train and just hopped on it one weekend. And then when that train stopped I found the soonest departing train and hopped on that one. And I did it again and again until I decided to stop. I don’t remember where I ended up, but I remember the weight lifting off my chest now that for this one weekend, I had finally decided to throw away all my responsibilities and just lived life on impulse, ready to take on anything and everything that came at me. 

The feeling as I stepped off that train was one of anxiety, as I had no clue where I really was, but also anticipation of whatever awaited before me. Honestly, my destination was unremarkable. It was just a small peaceful little town, but I had a blast wandering and exploring it on my own. Finding random food stalls to try, a new place to sit down and sketch, and new restaurants to go into. Sure, it was difficult to get around as I was somewhere in France and I barely spoke any French, but I made do. 

This weekend without any plans to follow or fellow travelers to be mindful of was a little boring but nevertheless, one of my more favorite trips. For a day I just drifted along with whatever impulse I had. The train ride back was a bit solemn as I didn’t book a hostel, and the closer I got to my campus dorm the heavier and heavier my heart felt.

Since that weekend and even after I graduated, until now, I haven’t been able to do something similar. I’ve been feeling more and more shackled with responsibilities, bills to pay, people to answer to, and places to be. It’s become more and more suffocating and there’s been a constant war waging in my mind, forcing myself to stay in place when I want to go somewhere new, experience something new.

But finally, in my recent job switch I was told I could work remotely, that I could live anywhere in the US. I can finally give in to my impulse to leave and go somewhere new. And while I’m no longer fighting with the urge to leave, I’m now fighting with the fear of going somewhere new. I’ve never had this when I was younger so why am I feeling it now? Is this newfound fear part of growing up or is a symptom of the long fought war with my impulses? 

What was once a romantic dream of mine is now a reality turned fearful with the responsibilities I can’t shake off; bills to pay, logistics of where to live, where to work, etc. It feels like my long time dream has lost it’s romance, but I know someday, I’ll either find the courage to leave the safety of my cushy prison, the corporate 9-5 job, or build my own path forward and find my freedom. But until then, I’m stuck with this constant battle in my mind, whether it’s fighting my impulse or my fear, unable to truly live like I want.